the girl will school you

Short hair. Red lipstick. A permanent smile on my face. I like how I look now, who I’m becoming.. It’s all in the little things. I’m loving life and what it has to offer. I genuinely adore my boyfriend, the way he makes me laugh, his smile, his eyes, his Alan Partridge impressions… Just him. I like how he makes me feel. I like the confidence he unknowingly instills in me. I love having my friends close and making new ones. Things are pretty swell for me right now…

My brain is a chaotic train of random thoughts and the way in which it processes them is so out of whack. Wouldn’t have it any other way, though. I deleted my MySpace tonight, after six years, or something crazy. I was ready to close the book on that chapter of my life and all that it entailed. I’m growing up and moving on, properly. Until now, I thought I’d been progressing, and I had…in those circumstances and situations. Now I’m doing it in life. Not just baby steps. Growing older doesn’t scare me anymore. I welcome it. I welcome the person I’ve not yet met or become, getting to know the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and the family I’ve not yet had. I look forward to the career path I’ve not yet trodden on, the aisle I’ve not yet floated down and the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve yet to feel. Don’t ever press pause.

Rewind

And, as I read the posts preceding this one, I prepare to eat my words…

…I’m so happy.

Suitcases

Why is it that we always want to be with someone without baggage? I, myself, am guilty of this. The “dating game” is something I had, until recently, refrained from taking part in, but curiosity and the nudge of a few friends enticed me to do so. I’ve spent the past few weeks talking to different boys across tables and bar tops, via text messages and e-mail, and it’s the ones who have seen real suffering, had real problems and been through life changing events that have been the ones to catch my attention. Sure, the guys who live comfortable, middle-of-the-road type lives are sweet and interesting to a point, but it’s the grit and the rawness of reality that keeps people hooked. I know this first hand.

This is the longest amount of time in my life that I’ve been single, albeit my life is still a short one… I’m starting to get bored.  I dislike dating with a passion. I find it to be contrived and empty. I’m not one to force things, nor am I one to conjure something out of nothing, so I wait. Patiently, because I know that what will be will be. Everything happens for a reason. This was epitomised to me today where, in the space that I used to park my now sold car, a tree had fallen down. Had my precious automobile have been there, it would have been a write-off. I smiled as I saw it. It gave me undying in faith in what I don’t yet know, and the life I’ve not yet lived. A year and a half ago, I felt like I’d lost everything, but I’m starting to see that I’m building it all back up again, for me, and for my future. Here’s to the unknown (and not being afraid of it)

Is it too much to ask…

…For someone just to be there? Excuse my predominantly emo-self, but I miss going to sleep with -that- someone. And waking up with them, too. Sharing inside jokes, going for walks, getting to know one another. Those knowing looks and tired eyes, but those smiles that say so much more. Argh. I don’t know. I don’t want to look for it, or him, because I know I owe it to myself to have “me” time. What truly sucks is knowing you could have had that with someone, but that it just wasn’t meant to be. My standards are ridiculously high, and I’m well aware of that. I just miss the company and the intrigue. Life is really starting to take off for me, and I don’t want to do it alone. I’ve been single for almost half a year now, and I think that’s long enough.

I don’t just want to settle. I don’t just want a boy. There are lots of boys I could be with, lots of people who interest me and sort of make me smile, but I want someone who will make me laugh, cry and grin. Someone who draws me in on all levels, someone who will be there unconditionally and love me just the same. I hate writing these things, as the realisation is horrid. I’ve never been that girl, nor do I want to start being her. Here’s hoping for better things.

Dust on the Ground

Sometimes with me, it takes a while for things to really sink in. It’s usually the bad stuff that takes the longest, and this is no exception. I’ve been in a strange situation with someone for a while now, a person that I care about, despite my best efforts. Said situation is extremely shitty. Said individual seems to have little to no respect for anyone except himself. Said individual got under my skin and won’t leave, and won’t get out of my head. It’s the most horribly frustrating thing in the world. As much as I try to distance myself from it, as much as I try to forget and move on…. It’s still there. He’s still there. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this chapter needs to die its death. Ugh.

I went to an amazing gig tonight with a good friend of mine. The bands were incredible and we had a lot of fun. After it was over, we grabbed a huge slice of pizza and wandered around London in the cold. (Though, I wish I’d had a jacket…) I love this place.  I find out about another job prospect tomorrow, a much better one all round. Crossing my fingers and my toes for it.

Sleep is calling…

Transition

How is it possible that so much can change in so little time? I moved to London on Saturday night, settled in almost immediately with my wonderful housemates and have absolutely loved my time here since. Starting this new part of my life has allowed me to let go of a lot of the past, and, for the first time since we split, I had a really, really nice conversation with my ex – one involving laughter, talking about the good times and wishing each other luck for the future. It feels good to have salvaged a friendship.

This place, however, is intoxicating. It’s so easy to get drunk on fun and wanderlust. There are so many things I’ve not yet experienced, and the thinking about them makes my head hurt. Last night was the first time I’d been bored since I’ve been here, but it was nice to have a little time to myself. I’ve met so many new people since in the past few days, too; all wonderfully different and fun, and a few that raise my eyebrows…in a good way. Autumn is truly here, and it’s beautiful. My street is lined with trees that are turning crimson and golden; it makes me smile every time I walk past them. This time of year bodes for melancholy music and days spent staring out of the window into the gloom. (I like that, though)  I don’t really know what else to say…. I guess, I’m just happy. Truly content.

“strolling through empty, shadow-washed fields at midnight; exploring long-forgotten rooms gathering dust behind doors bolted years ago to keep strangers locked out.. and secrets locked in. The nights are longer in this country. The cold hours of darkness move like autumn mists deeper and deeper toward winter. But the moonlight reveals great magic here–and a breathtaking vista.” – October Country, Ray Bradbury

Underneath the stars…

I spent tonight with someone rather special to me. We’d planned to spend this particular evening together for a while, as it was my last proper one in Swansea. I arrived at his house with wine, he cooked an amazing dinner and we watched a hilarious horror movie. We drank more wine. He popped out of the room and told me to stay put, returning a few minutes later telling me to follow him. He led me to the garden where, spread out on the grass, was a bed of blankets and pillows, surrounded by candles and tiki torches. The sky was clear and the air was crisp. We took our respective places under the warmness and he surprised me with a bottle of Bollinger – my absolute favourite champagne ever. Sitting there, drinking underneath the stars, was the perfect way to say, well, not goodbye, but see you soon.

It’s now 3:15am and I have to be up at 7:00am to make a 400mile round trip to London. I’m not in the least bit sleepy, in fact, I think I’m too excited to sleep.